Aura

I want that glow/aura that some women have. I don't know how to describe it, nor how to achieve it.

Demetrios

Well I suppose I've contridicted myself with the title of this blog considering I haven't updated it daily.

Today I realized how different and aware I am compared to other people. I am almost too aware of things. It seems as if I compensate for how much I lack awareness of myself by being incredibly aware of everything else. I overanalyze every situation I am in. Unfortunately this has led to my realization that most people really don't care about what I have to say. People just want to talk about themselves. They could go on for hours about themselves, and have on many occasions, and I feel like the only person who is genuinely interested in what people have to say. To a point of course, then I feel myself longing for, JUST ONCE, for someone to GENUINELY wonder about me or how I think or what I have to say. It's like my end of the conversation is simply a temporary inconvience to the other person and they are impatiently waiting for what I have to say to end so they can continue talking about themself. Like what I have to say is simply something that has to occur in order to have a conversation. So I just let people talk, because anytime I say anything about me or what I think it often goes unappreciated. I mean, I love hearing about people and learning about them, but it's nice to feel like someone gives a crap about me once in a while.

And this realization caused me to think of something else. Maybe people don't care about what I have to say because I am really an uninteresting person. This upsets me because I feel like maybe I am a boring person, and I don't want to be. I want to be interesting and respected by people. Hopefully I am on my way to becoming that sort of person. Or maybe I just need to surround myself with different kinds of people. Hah, here I go again, overanalyzing a situation. Hopefully one day I can apply my tendancy to become obsessed with things to a good cause that will make me happy. I guess in a way I already have.

Things are too good right now. Either things are finally getting better or this is just a calm before a storm. We shall see.

A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning

I really am in love. It's not even a choice, I don't have any control over it. It makes me nervous but at the same time I love every second of it.

This is just part of a poem we read in english that I found pretty. It's from A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning by John Donne.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

Baby Doll

I have a facination towards babies. This is a fact. So at the Patriots game today I saw a man holding an adorable baby girl and my head automatically tilted and an uncontrollable "aww" escaped my lips. As the man drew closer, rocking the precious little bundle and kissing her head I noticed the child had unnaturally large eyes. Then I observed that she wasn't blinking. Finally I realized she was made out of plastic. I felt violated and a bit frightened.

My cousin Sara has been having a real hard time with work so I spent some time with her today at the mall and the Patriots game. While at the mall we went to Victorias Secret where I got measured and fitted for a bra. They did such an incredible job I wanted to just hug the lady. Seriously, I now know it's worth the extra money to get a really good bra because it makes all the difference. I shall return tomorrow to pick up some lingerie and another push up. Apparently my bra measurement is 32D which Victorias Secret doesn't even carry, though 34D worked out just fine. I felt a bit proud and a bit like a freak at the same time.

I felt really confident today. One of those days where you feel like you are a part of everything around you and you feel a tad too enthusiastic about life and you know it. Oh well, I try to enjoy it while it lasts.

I really need to be hugged. It's been so long. Getting frustrating.

Fox Hollow

Weirdest thing happened to me this morning. I woke up for the golf outing at around 8, threw my clothes in the dryer, washed my face, and decided to go back to bed. While I was laying in bed I started hearing things, as crazy as that sounds. This weird, loud, vibrating sound would happen once in a while, sometimes so loud that it would hurt my head. Then I started hearing a choir singing a shrill note. I guess I was in that half dreaming stage because I was completely paralyzed but was somewhat aware of my surroundings. Then I slipped into this vivid dream of meeting this woman and her two sons in a cabin of a ship. The weirdest part was that my brother wasn't there the entire time until the end I turned and saw him sitting there and he just said "It's time to wake up, It's almost 9 o'clock and Robert will be here soon to get you." Then I woke up and yes, it was 9 on the dot. Very, very weird.

I don't like myself much

I really don't like myself. If I was some random person meeting me for the first time I wouldn't like myself. I feel like I don't always act like who I am. It's frustrating, I don't know why it's like this. Except for people I'm comfortable with, my brain is someone completely different than what I act like. I think it's because I'm constantly trying to impress people so much that it's become second nature to conform to the people around me. I need to fix this.

Raconteur

I feel like I don't talk intelligently. Well in certain situations I do, but in others I feel like my mouth is a waterfall of "likes" and "omgs" and "ignorant crap." It's sort of embarassing really. It seems to happen when I'm in a new environment or meeting new people, which is probably the worst time for it to occur considering I'm making first impressions.

I also sometimes feel like I am a complete idiot with no culture or class. I was asked yesterday what the last five books I read were and I realized that I haven't read in over half a year. It's sad to me because I used to read so much and now I can't even name five books I have read recently. I couldn't even answer the question "who is your favorite author?" Ayn Rand was blocking any decent authors name in my brain, and to say Ayn Rand would be extremely cliche. I can't even say who my favorite artist is. I'm probably just being too self conscious as usual, but I hate feeling ignorant and unintelligent.

187

I'm feeling better about the issues I was anxious about this afternoon. I figure that I won't have to worry about an unbearable job situation for at least a year, perhaps 4 years. No point in worrying about something that's not going to be a concern for years. Especially if there are going to be some really good times in the near future.

:: deep breath::

New Blog

Well my other blog is just an ongoing record of my daily activities. It's also my public blog (more public than this one will be anyway) so sometimes I feel like I can't state all my opinions or true feelings.

So here it goes I suppose.

Everything is pretty good for me right now. I'm going to Australia this summer like I've always dreamed of doing, I get to experience life as an independent individual, and I get to pursue my passion for graphic design. I have a good paying job, my parents are treating me better, I'm a lot more confident. Yet last night I was laying on the couch and suddenly became extremely anxious. I felt so anxious so quickly which caused me to curl up in a ball and just start crying. I'm terrified of certain aspects of my future. For example, I HATE office work. I hate sitting in an office and doing meaningless shit. I also hate working a 9-5 schedule. Both times I've had an office job I've become completely miserable. But right now I can't seem to think of anyway to avoid that and still be a successful person. At one point I thought I'd start my own business because you have complete control over your hours and such. But after working for someone who owns his own business I see how much it's consumed him and his family. I'm not always worried about this, as I said I'm really happy and positive for the most part, but this anxious feeling just looms over my head and doesn't seem to go away.

That's all for now.